Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Intro Paragraph/Group 2
"Aloha!" Where is the most sought out vacation place in the world that offers hiking to view out of World War II bunkers, to stand on the Bridge behind the wheel of an 1900 century whaling ship, or lay in the hot sand next to ocean? Yes, I am talking about Hawaii. There is no place other than Hawaii where you can fly over an erupting volcano to watch the rushing lava flow down the mountainside. Also, Hiking Diamond Head in Waikiki, is an exhilarating journey up to the highest point on Oahu where you enter the old World War II bunker. Lastly, the Tropical Rain Forest has the most unique tree's and plants. All of these are great reasons for families, honeymooners or just a trip away with friends, to visit the beautiful and astonishing Hawaii.
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I feel you did very well on your introduction. You really captured my attention with your opening quote. It was short sweet and made me want to read more! Wonderful job Group 2!
ReplyDeleteJennifer Reichow
There was a lot of detail regarding the sites themselves. You did an excellent job on that aspect. There were some "catchy" phrases in there as well.
ReplyDeleteI like the "Aloha" greeting at the beginning and the way that you explain your points for your thesis quite thoroughly. This paragraph does need a grammar check, though: the first full sentence needs parallel construction, and I see at least one apostrophe error and at least one comma error. So better proofreading is necessary here.
ReplyDeleteI liked the Aloha and the information was very detailed. I am wondering what the rest of the paper would be about if all of the details are in the intro. My humble suggestion might be that your paragraph hints at sightseing, romance, dinning, and activities so we want to read the rest of what you have to offer.
ReplyDeleteGood suggestion - Thank You =)
ReplyDeleteThis is an awesome intro! I loved the fact that your opening quote was so simple yet it really grabbed the readers attention! You gave very descriptive points while writing this, which really wanted to make me read more! I thought that the last sentence was very good also, it really makes you keep thinking about what else there is to do in Hawaii! Also, all your examples of things you can do in Hawaii compare with your last sentence. They are all family friendly, along with a friends trip or honeymooners.
ReplyDeleteLovely introduction! I also loved the simple Aloha at the beginning. You got very detailed with the different sites to see. Just from reading this intro I would for sure read the rest of the paper and then really want to head over to Hawaii myself!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your introduction. I have to agree with Ginger on the detailing. There is a lot, still great but it might be harder to come up with body paragraphs when you have so much detail in the first paragraph. I like the way make Hawaii to be more than just coconuts and surfers. You make it sound like a real adventure. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteHaha, I love the introduction to this. As soon as I saw it, I knew where you might be heading with the rest of it. The descriptions of tourist spots in Hawaii really made me want to read the rest of it. Like Brian said though, there are some minor grammar errors in it, but other than that, it was a pretty solid intro paragraph.
ReplyDeleteA little bit of grammar correction and I would call this an excellent paragraph. You used many descriptive words such as "hot sand", rushing lava", and "exhiliarating journey", which appeal to the readers' senses. The first sentence does a good job of drawing the reader in and making him/her want to read on to see where you are talking about.
ReplyDeletealoah was a great attention getter and had me acutally wanting to read the rest! there is nothing like reading about a place i will probly never go lol i like your use of descriptions also
ReplyDelete